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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Something's Gotta Give

I am in a tug-of-war. It's me against...well, me.  As I try to focus on eating when I am hungry, and stopping when I am full, eating good foods that are full of good things, and making sure that I get sleep, I realize that my life is a constant tug-of war. 
I find myself constantly worrying about eating.  Not over eating, mind you, but actually just REMEMBERING to eat.  I am in the state of "I'm hungry, but I don't have time (or food) to eat." So, I put it off.  THEN, I get the "My stomach sings louder than some of my voice students" stage.  This is the point of no return.  I know that I am now in a ravenous state. I want food, and I want it NOW.  I don't want to wait until it has thawed out (because I continually forget to thaw out meat,) I don't want to go to the store for produce (no, I don't have any on hand because I am too busy to use it!! Sheesh!) and I DON'T want to take the time to MAKE anything!  So, pizza, fast food, and call ahead pick up is my new best friend.  

This is a horrible place to be. I know. I just can't help it!  I have put myself on the back burner.  And, you know what? I HATE IT! There is nothing worse than KNOWING what is right and PURPOSEFULLY doing the opposite. I KNOW that I should listen when my body says it's hungry. I know that I need to have healthy snacks available for this EXACT purpose.  I know that good food brings more energy, and yet, the thought of having to cut up some carrots or celery, make my whole wheat bread, or even dirty a bowl with cottage cheese makes me what to CRY.  The ugly cry. 

My house has an "Elf on the Shelf."  No tree, no stockings, nothing. No Christmas feeling.  No Christmas treats- thank the heavens above! I walk around in yoga pants (that I don't do yoga in...) a T-shirt, and an oversized (thanks to the two sizes lost) sweater. And, as you know, I have been MIA from THR for about a month. 

My 8 month mark is at the end of this month.  I know that measurements have to come.  I also know that I'm probably not going to get the results that I have been looking for. Why?  Because I'm NOT eating the right WAY.  Forget about the right food right now, I can't even eat crappy food correctly! 

One might think "Cindy!  How can this be?? You are so inspiring and amazing to the multitudes of readers that you have.  How can you be so LAZY!?! How can you be in such a rut??"  Well, sweet bunnies, I'm actually not in a rut.  I am just as motivated as I always have been to continue on this journey.  But, I also know that this is a JOURNEY, and I have come across an enemy that I am unfamiliar with.  NOT being able to prioritize!!  

For the first time in my life, I am looking AT my life, and I can't decide when to get things done. My brain is short circuiting! I. can't. function! This is so strange to me. I have always been able to PLAN out EXACTLY how everything is going to work. But I can't right now.  It's NOT that I am's the opposite.  I'm a bit of an over achiever and I'm in a little over my head.  At this time, I am currently:
* Packing the house to move out of state.  Yes, the boxes are color coded because we have different items going to different places.
*Christmas shopping.  I'm not a total Grinch and the boys need SOMETHING on Christmas morning. Luckily for me, that magical morning will NOT be under a tree that I had to put up and decorate. 
*Planning a Christmas Party for a LARGE group of women
*Practicing O Holy Night to sing at ANOTHER Christmas Party
*Teaching Voice Lessons
*Doing online School with the boys
*Helping the landlord get quotes for new carpet and paint
*Preparing a talk that I have been asked to present this Sunday in church
*Planning the move (getting a truck, storage unit, cleaners, etc.)
*Selling items to lighten the load
and let's not forget....
*JUST BEING A MOM- (cooking, cleaning, hugging, reading, laundry, and the never ending list of chores that comes with that job.)

So, I've got a lot on my plate. As I sit here in my sweater and yoga pants (that I wore yesterday,) holding my head in my hands, I can't help that think that I should be doing SOMETHING else... but what???  Grocery shopping???  Ugh, that requires too much time and that is just MORE food to worry about having to go through. But, it probably should be done.  Perhaps I should pack another box, or make phone calls for the party, or call the students that need to reschedule lessons, or research audition songs for those students, or practice MY song, or research painters, or carpet people, or maybe I need to SLEEP, or I KNOW, I need to pay bills!  YES, bills need to be paid. Wait, do I wait until we are moved and then just pay the final bill? crap.

So, eating is NOT at the top of my "to do" list.  Yet, it really should be near the top because food is important. Eating is important. That requires food though.  I suppose that I should break down and get some food. 

These are where my thoughts have been for the past month. Now you know. I'm still here. I still care.  


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